I Don’t Often Feel Safe
It’s a thought I stumbled upon today, or should I say..a truth.
I was remembering the feeling of a leadership retreat I recently went to.
The retreat was held in a gorgeous house with enormous windows looking out over a beautiful lake tucked right in the middle of the state of Ohio. The group I was with: 7 other women who all love Jesus and were all there along with me to grow in their gifts of leadership. There was a rawness, an openness in the air that I am rarely surrounded by. Most of the women there didn’t know one another and that brought about a kind of safety, a willingness to be honest because judgment in those moments was rare and honesty was valued, because we were all there for the same purpose: to grow. So we were allowed to be exactly wherever in life we may have found ourselves in that moment, because our goal was growth and you can’t grow if you don’t recognize where you are.
We spent the weekend, recognizing, learning together, growing. Being honest about where we came from and where we are and also where we are hoping to be. Offering feedback and accepting loving criticism without defense or restraint. It was beautiful vulnerability, because we were united in purpose and knew that this was a safe place.
The memory of that weekend brought me to my thoughts today, as I am working, making decisions and putting myself out there, taking the risk that the decisions I make will be wrong or people will think they are wrong or these decisions will make people not like me, I realized that I yearned to go back to the safety of that lake house.
I am aching for a soft place to land, complete and total acceptance of where I am, of who I am, of all of my mistakes, my wrong decisions and even my right ones, my hopes and dreams, fears and failures. Wishing for the storyline that has been so beautifully and painfully transcribed as my life, to be totally known and totally accepted. Something happened in me that weekend, when I was allowed to be completely me. I wanted more of it. I felt alive. Seen. Heard. Revealed.
It made me realize how much of myself I keep hidden out of fear. The fear of people, the fear of how I will be received or rejected. The fear that I will want to reject myself.
Something happens inside of us when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable to other people and in return we are shown love and acceptance alongside truth. We come alive. We break out of our shell. We want more.
Realizing that I long to go back to that weekend, realizing I don’t often feel safe, accepted, seen and known makes me aware that I have some work to do in my relationship with God. Because God wants better for me.
And I know that because what I know what His Word says:
I am loved.
“For I have loved you with an everlasting love, with unfailing love I have drawn you to Myself.” Jeremiah 31:3
I am called, I have a purpose, and I am chosen
“I have called you back from the ends of the earth so that You can serve Me. For I have chosen you and will not throw you away.” Isaiah 41:8-9
I was fearfully [Strongs definition: to cause astonishment and awe] and wonderfully [to be separate or distinct] made.
“I praise You, for I am fearfulling and wonderfully made. Psalms 139:14
His thoughts about me outnumber the grains of sand.
“How precious are Your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!” Psalms 139:17
He knows the number of every hair on my head.
“And the very hairs on your head are all numbered.” Luke 12:7
He ordered my steps before I was even born.
“You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” Psalms 139:16
He knows my every thought before I think it and knows every word that has ever and is ever going to come out of my mouth.
“You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.” Psalms 139:2 “You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord.” Psalms 139:4
He knows the good, kind, interesting and amazing parts of my heart. “O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.” Psalms 139:1
….And He knows the evil, wrong and terrible parts too. “O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.” Psalms 139:1
He knows where I have been, every thought, every experience, every hurt, every heartache, every rejection, every joy, every moment of peace, every tear that I have cried in sadness and grief and every tear that I have cried out of joy. Not only does He know about those tears, His word says that He saved them in a bottle! That’s how important, how loved, and how accepted I am and how deeply He delights in me. And in you.
Yes, even you.
And if that is what His word says, then why don’t we believe it? Why don’t we feel safe?
Where is the breakdown between the knowledge of God’s word, what we believe in our hearts and how we live our lives?
Because I often feel unsafe, like a turtle that has to burrow deep inside of my shell of defensiveness so that I don’t get hurt. I often live in fear of making decisions, of displeasing people, of rejection, even of being disappointed in myself. I don’t want to be honest about where I am or what I think, even to myself because I am afraid of the truth.
But why am I so afraid when I am so very obviously loved and adored?
And so this has revealed the work that God wants to do in my heart. I can hear His voice whispering to my fear, calming my anxiety and bringing peace to my striving.
You. Are. Safe.
God wants us to know that we are safe and we are loved. And we can live loved. We can live accepted. We can live alive! We don’t have to hide behind walls of insecurity, the shame of our past or fear that we won’t become who we are burning inside to be. We can put all of that in a box and hand it over to our Father, who is just waiting for us to simply come, believe what He says and allow Him to be our soft place to land.
And so today, friend. If you’re feeling like me, a little shaken, a little scared, a little unsafe, take a deep breath and rest in this truth, even if your brain is screaming the opposite.
You are safe in the Father’s hands.
“Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.” Psalms 91:1-4