“Mom! Where are You?”

“Mom? Mom, where are you?! MOM!”

I walked out into the living room of my friends house. My 6 year old daughter had been out there playing and I went out to check on her.

Life was SO HARD that day. My husband had fallen down a set of steps and tore the quad tendon in his left leg. The tear required surgery and set off a whole series of events in our lives that was near unbearable, right in the middle of a season of our lives that was already unbearable. You see, we had left the church where my husband was pastoring. God had made it very clear to us that it was time to go and we knew without a doubt that we were following after His plan for our lives, that it was His will for us to leave. Chris had been pastor there for almost 4 years and we lived in the parsonage the church owned. It was a large house, more than enough space for my family of 6. When Chris turned in his resignation, we weren’t even worried about a house. We were following God’s plan, He would provide. He always does.  

Fast forward to three months later, we are packing up this huge house and we had a solid lead on a house in town that was being remodeled but it wouldn’t be ready for at least two months. We were able to move in with some friends that lived down the street. Thank God for good friends. It wasn’t easy, all of our things had to go into storage, but God provided the places we needed for that to happen and we were convinced everything would be ok.

We had planted a new church, just weeks after leaving the old one. And it was amazing. God was moving, it was growing. Chris had a lead on another job, a job that would provide a good income while we built the church. It would all work out.

Then the house we were supposed to get wasn’t going to work out. We ended up staying with our friends for a month longer than we were supposed to.

Then we found another house! Praise God! At the last minute, we lost that one too, just days before we had expected to move in. Every week it seemed, there was another disappointment, like a punch to the gut. We were running out of money quick, draining our savings to live off of while we waiting for Chris’s job to come through. We prayed, we waited on God and expected something big to happen. “Pray big, believe big. God will come through.” People were constantly telling us these things and we believed it. Felt it every time we would pray. So we waited. We were ok. God provided the manna. Little miracles. Every day. We were almost out of money, something would happen, someone would show up with a check, something would come at just the right time and we would be ok again. We needed to move out of our friends house. God provided again. A temporary living situation. An airbnb that we could rent month to month until we found something. It was uncomfortable - about 2000 square feet too small for my family, not enough bedrooms and only one bathroom, but it was quaint. It was a cute house and we were grateful for our own space and could make the best out of it until Chris got his job and we were able to buy a house. No problem. Until a week or two later, when Chris fell down the steps.

We found ourselves in the emergency room, waiting to hear to the test results. I knew from the guttural scream I had heard that morning coming out of my husband’s throat that it wasn’t going to be good. As we sat in the hospital room, my husband’s phone rang. It was the supervisor from the job. He got it. He would be able to start next week! Thank you Jesus!!

Then we got the diagnosis. Torn quad tendon that requires surgery. Recovery time is 4-6 months. The new job had 3 flights of stairs that Chris would be required to go up and down all day long. Another punch to the gut. “What? Wait, no, this was the answer!” This is what we had been waiting for – for God to answer the prayers, for Chris to get the job, for us to have the money to be able to buy a house.

Then as if to pile more problems on top of the problems I realized, Chris wouldn’t be able to function at the house we were temporarily renting. It only had one bathroom – upstairs. The doorways were too small for the walker he now had to use and not to mention, he wouldn’t even be able to get in the house because there was a set of steps leading up to the front door. He ended up moving into another friends house, who had one floor living and a walk-in shower. Once again, thank God for good friends.

And that’s where my daughter and I were that day. At our friends house, where Chris was staying while he recovered from surgery. My life had turned into instant chaos, with my kids and I staying at one place while my husband was 25 minutes away. I would wake up in the morning and get the kids off to school and then drive 25 minutes to help Chris with whatever he needed. That morning, he needed a shower and I was in the bathroom with him, helping him remove the brace that his leg was locked in. That’s when I came out to check on Eliana. And she was gone from the living room where she had been happily sitting on the couch a few minutes before. Instant panic set in my heart. Where was she? She didn’t know this house or this area well. Did she go outside? What if she is hurt somewhere and I can’t find her? I went down the hallway, looking in every room. That’s when I heard her frantic voice, “Mom?! Mom! Where are you?!”

Relief washed over my heart as I turned back down the hallway to see her coming in the front door. She wasn’t hurt.

She hadn’t seen me yet and I could see the terrified look on her face. I called out her name. “Eliana, I’m right here.” She ran to me and hugged me tight. “Mom, I thought you left me! I went outside to look for you!” “Baby, I would never leave you!” I hugged her tightly back, and in that moment I couldn’t understand what on earth she was thinking. Why would my baby girl, my beloved girl, ever for a second think that I could just leave her, just abandon her somewhere and not remember that she was there?! I couldn’t! I would be distraught to be away from her.

 Girl, don’t you realize how very much I love you?! You are my CHILD. That means that I carried you with me for 9 months, I searched out the perfect name for you, dreaming about who you would be, what you would look like, what personality you would have. Then I watched you grow, took care of you as a newborn, watched you take your first steps and say your first words. I provide everything you need, hold you when you cry and cheer you on when you’ve done something amazing. I tuck you in your bed every night and am there every morning when you open your eyes.

“I couldn’t ever just leave you! It would destroy me to lose you. You are my daughter, I love you.”

 And then I felt God - tugging on my heart. There was something here, in this moment, He wanted me to understand. I heard Him speak gently,“If you feel that way about your daughter, don’t you think I feel so much more that way about you?”

This time it was a different kind of punch to the gut. Right there in the midst of the hardest season of my life, hugging my little girl so tight, God was holding me.

“If you would never leave her, if you love her so much that you can’t even imagine why she would ever think that you could leave her, if you would never abandon her – you as a human, a mom who makes mistakes and loves deeply and passionately but still imperfectly.. Then why would you ever think that I, the God of the universe, the One who fashioned the earth, who created all of the stars and calls them by name, why would you think that I would ever leave you?”

 “If you could never leave your child then why would you think that I, the One who knit you together in your mother’s womb, the One who invented every facet of your personality, chose not just your name, but also your laugh, the One who designed the way your forehead would furrow when you are confused or thoughtful, the One who knew, before you were even born every step you would ever take and every thought you would ever think, the One who chose for you what your favorite things would be.. why would you think that I could leave you? Forsake you? Abandon you? I wouldn’t! I couldn’t! I would be distraught if I ever lost you! I would stop all of heaven to come searching after you!

I am your Father. You are My child. I know everything there is to know about you. I rejoice over you. I couldn’t bear to lose you. I love you so much that I sent my Son, Jesus into this world to die for you so that I could have a relationship with you. You think once I have you, I would leave you? NEVER.

I haven’t left you. I haven’t forsaken you. I know this is hard. I know it doesn’t make sense. But I am here with you. I will provide for you everything that you need. All you have to do is trust me.”

And just like the relief that washed over my little girl’s face when she found me, relief washed over my exhausted and confused heart. I was able to leave the disappointment, the fear and the panic behind and rest in the fact that my Father loves me, He will never leave me or forsake me and I will be ok, no matter what happens.

There isn’t an end to this story yet. We are still in this, waiting, praying for a house and still praying for a more solid income. Still trying to be faithful, building God’s church, doing what He has called us to do while we wait. Sometimes what you think you need isn’t what you really need. What I needed more than answers that day was the reassurance of my Father’s love and the knowledge in my heart that He would never leave me. That knowledge is what is carrying me through each day of waiting, each day of hoping and dreaming and trusting that my Father is good and knows what is best for my life.  

And so today, I want to encourage you. Whatever circumstances you might find yourself surrounded by today, just know that You have a Father in heaven, who loves you more than you can imagine. He couldn’t stand to turn His back on you, He searches for you, like a mother who has lost her child. If you feel far away from Him, all you have to do is call out His name, He is there. And if you are like me, in a season of waiting, allow these truths wash over your heart while you wait. Sometimes what you think you need isn’t what you really need. God is with you in the waiting.

Bible References: Isaiah 45:18, Isaiah 40:26, Deuteronomy 31:8, Psalms 139, Luke 15:4, 1 John 3:1, Zephaniah 3:17, John 3:16